I started this blog post by listing out all the things that went wrong over the last month since I moved from Dallas back to Louisiana, because it was truly comical. But quickly felt my mood drop. None of what I've had to deal with was motivating or has given me a sense of encouragement and made me look forward to the future. I chalked it all up to just one more thing I had to handle. More shit on my plate, and my mood started feeling very heavy. After a while, I looked up at my monitor and said out loud "I don't want to write about this stuff."
I sat for a minute and let my thoughts go where they wanted to, and focused on my attitude and emotions, and I quickly realized that what I was writing now wasn't about my experience (as it had been when writing about Covid). Instead, it felt like I was complaining. When I think about everything I've been through the past year, I've always felt grateful and had a good attitude. I know how lucky I am to be here today, and I never felt like a victim, or cried "why me?!" I'm actually happier than I've been in 10 years and most people can't understand that.
I actually feel very grateful to be where I'm at in my life now. Covid completely changed my life in every way - physically, mentally, personally and professionally. I wasn't living the life I wanted to, I was living the life I had to. I was focused on surviving more than thriving. I had a job that I enjoyed because I loved my boss. She quickly became my best friend and we had so much fun together. But the job was long hours, and while I didn't hate my job responsibilities, it was my only source of fulfillment and self-worth. I was open to people constantly disrespecting me, which also brings down your self-esteem. Most importantly, I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, but instead was doing what I had to do. The significant shift in my life has now reminded me of what's most important - ME. I'm grateful for getting Covid because it has given me the opportunity to live the life I want instead of just surviving.
For a long time I felt like my voice was taken away from me. That I couldn't speak up for what I wanted and that I had to give everyone else what they asked for. I'm a people pleaser and that's always allowed people to walk over me. I see now that my voice wasn't taken away, but that I gave it away. I never said no when I should have, and I never asked for help when I needed it either. It was incredibly hard for me to accept help from friends, who continue to buy my candles instead of letting me gift them, because I've always been the one to take care of everything instead of relying on others. Let me tell you, it gets tiring, and I quickly burned out personally. There was barely any gas left in the tank and what I had was given to my 9-5 job, which drained me dry.
My favorite quote is "I'm grateful for my struggle, because through it I have found my strength." and you'll probably see it used all the time. It's how I remind myself that I need to keep working to recover and be successful in MY pursuits. I almost died, and the doctors said I should have. This next chapter is called MY LIFE and I'm unapologetic as fuck about it.